Having spent the past year as an aspiring — fancytalk for unpaid — stand-up comedian, with only a part-time job during the day, the only medical plan I had was “take an aspirin, rub some dirt on it, and stop being such a pussy.”
So I was pleasantly surprised to learn that Washington State has a new healthcare program that lets residents buy into a medical plan that’s relatively inexpensive — here’s the premium estimator, which has exactly two questions. The intent of the program is to tide the currently uninsured over until the federal socialized Barack Hussein Hitlercare Death Panel Act kicks in for everyone1 in 2014.
A grim reaper… in white? WTF? So many questions! Are death panels full of endearingly wacky hijinx like Spy vs Spy? Did the one on the left have a bleaching mishap? Or maybe he died fighting a Balrog but got revived for the photo session? Perhaps it’s about racial unity? Or the opposite, some sort of dig against affirmative action? Did the guy who already owned KKK robes just go “Enh, close enough”?
It’s called the Washington Health Program and yeah, I know: it sounds too good to be true. But I just signed up for it myself, and so far no Nigerians of royal descent have hounded me for bank info or demanded an organ or fingered my prostate or anything. (Yet. Hope springs eternal.) The whole qualification and enrollment process took about three weeks, which is astonishingly efficient work from the same government that runs our ferry system.
Anyway, I generally try to keep my politics out of this blog, but I do actually have certain very strongly held political views. One of these strident policy beliefs of mine is that I, personally, should not die. Preferably ever, but at least not soon. So this feels like progress, and I don’t care which political party gets the credit for it, so long as robot butlers are next on the agenda. (And btw, if your political views happen to differ on the question of me continuing to live, hopefully we can just agree to disagree. But if you really feel the need to “get involved,” then you should probably take your best shot before my September 1 healthcare enrollment renders me invulnerable to weaponry.)
I am also a fan of cheap pharmaceuticals, at least theoretically; it’s been a few years since I could afford anything other than the aforementioned aspirin. But generic drugs are only $10 under the Washington Health Program, so I think I’m going to do some Internet research and reverse engineer myself a plausible diagnoses or five. It’ll be like an episode of House in reverse, resulting in the taxpayers of Washington State2 subsidizing my four-hour cast-iron SUPERBONERS.
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